Using The Bedroom As A Consequence | Teaching Self-Government

Using The Bedroom As A Consequence

×

Error message

Deprecated function: Array and string offset access syntax with curly braces is deprecated in include_once() (line 20 of /var/www/legacy.teachingselfgovernment.com/includes/file.phar.inc).
teenage boy on bed

How does 24 hours loss of privileges work in your house?  Let's say a 13 year old boy doesn't want to get on board. But he shouldn't be allowed to just hole up in his room away from the rest of the family! However, I have found that sending him to sit on his bed is the most effective thing that can be done. 

Consequences are so individual and pertain to what the family has going already.  I don't expect anyone to hold to the consequences that we use in our home.  Ours fit our family.  Everyone needs to find the right consequence fit for their own family. If going to the bedroom for a time out is really the most effective, then that is just fine.  You should use what works for your home and family. 

Usually, for most people over the age of 7, having "alone time" is a privilege, not a consequence.  Also, teaching the correct behavior and practicing it should be the most important part of the parent teaching. Most importantly though, when someone acts out at home, they are acting out against the family mission.  If they are allowed to go off alone, they learn to disconnect from family in times of discomfort or trouble instead of to connect to family for support and guidance.

If the child is removed from the family, the teaching environment is ruined.  Being set aside also gives a message that the child is not wanted or "accepted" into the family.  Being sedated in a room is a strategy that managers at hospitals and institutions use to be able to manage everyone at the same time.  (I know sometimes we can feel like we are running just such a place, but let's not let this be an excuse to stay away from one of our own children.) 

I have also seen parents have their children go to their rooms for long periods of time, just so the parent doesn't have to go to the trouble of finding extra chores for the child, who has earned the negative consequence, to do.  We shouldn't let our children get the unspoken message that we care more about our own convenience than their happiness.  Have a job jar full of jobs.  You will not have to think of everything and your children will enjoy the chore variety.

Rather than chance giving my children the impression that I don't accept them because of some behavior, by putting them in their rooms, I choose to do a corrective teaching for the negative behavior, and then tell my child what negative consequence they have earned according to our family economy.  After that, they follow through with the consequence, which would be work of some sort, for a 10 year old, until their character is much improved.  Work is a great medicine for pride and selfishness; which really are the root of almost all bad behavior. 

Regarding the 24 hours of no privileges.  My children never choose to go out of control and pick this anymore, BECAUSE THE CONSEQUENCE IS THERE.  If the worst consequence they could earn was, no snack for the day, they would have no motivation to control their own behaviors.  The consequence isn't long enough or severe enough to really make them want to stop being angry at "that minute", when it feels so good to yell etc. 

This consequence  is the worst thing that they can choose to lose when they refuse to follow instructions.  If they choose to earn 24 hours with no privileges, then they work or do problem solving exercises the whole time, excluding sleep time and school time.  Be sure to have school scheduled, so that you actually have time with no privliges.  If you forget about what was earned, they will learn to manipulate instead of learn to control their emotions and behaviors.

By following through with this consequence in the beginning of our family's parenting, my children now choose to stay calm and talk about things instead of have "fits".  Because I am consistent, they have learned that they really do get to choose happiness in life, or sadness, and that they really do have control over what happens to them and how they feel about situations.  This knowledge is maturity and power.  It separates my children from many.  Not that they are perfect, but I notice that this knowledge helps them see the world differently.  For them the world is opportunity, and happiness because they know they get to choose their destiny.  I like seeing this in them.  

Excuse our dust! We are currently in the process of updating to a new website. If you see errors, please continue as if they didn't exist. As more of the new site is completed you will be directed more to that site. If you have any questions, please contact us.